The Spirit of the Game – May 20th
Game
--The Call--
Ring, Ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, this is Jerky 29. We’re getting a softball team
together. It’s called the Park
Slope Poor Sports Club. Wanna
play?”
”Is it a fun league?”
“Fun? Who
cares? We won last year, and we’re
going to do everything we can to win again.”
“Is it co-ed?”
“Sure, but we tell our chicks not to swing at any of the
pitches. Can’t take any chances
with them.”
“Sounds competitive.”
“What other type of game could you play? You heckle the other team, you whine
about calls. We might even get to
clear the benches once in a while.
It’s a blast. Did I mention
I almost won the town little league tournament when I was 12? You in?”
“Why not? It
beats surfing for porn.”
--The Alternative--
Ring, ring.
“Hello?”
“JJ! It’s
Vipond. We’ve got a softball team
at the bar. Wanna
play?”
“I can’t remember the last time I touched a
softball.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a slow pitch co-ed bar league.
We’ve got a fun team. We’re usually wasted by the fifth
inning. We’re just there to have
fun. You
in?”
“Why not? It
beat surfing for porn.”
The B61 Lineup
Johanna “Just Look at My Ass” as
catcher
Jonathan the Rookie Leftie as
pitcher
Whippet on first
Betsy “The Ringer” on second. Welcome to our new team
member!
“Double Play” Amy as backup on
second
“Can
Someone Get Me an Oxygen Tank?” Matt at shortstop
Coach “Oops.
Did I just say that?” Jamie at third
Steve “Ready to Rumble” in left
Anthony “Who needs a nickname with a last name like “
Capone in center
Alex
“I thought I’d be Joe DiMaggio” in center right field
Alyce “Alice with a Y” in right
field
JJ
“Shh. I’m still hungover” as designated hitter and filling in for Alex in the
outfield
The Game
Talk
about a battle. From the start, it
was head-to-head. With a diving catch by Capone to end the side, they were up
3-0 after a rocket to the right.
The B61’s replied, including a double by Steve, a sacrifice fly by Matt
and a homerun by Jamie that reached the dugout in the other field to make it
5-3.
Matt
sprinted for an in-the-stadium homerun to make it 6-4 in the fourth. In between his gasps, he was heard to
say, “That was hard. Someone get me
an oxygen tank.” Damn
smokers.
Our
defense went to work and took them down
And,
then it happened. The trash talk
began. Or, at least, that’s when I
realized that they were talking trash.
Who knows how long they were babbling. Voltaire said, "I disapprove of what you
say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Obviously, he never heard these jerks
while trying to pitch in a bar league.
I won’t even try to remember what they said. Things about presents for Mother’s Day
and the pitcher needing to give them something better to hit. Whatever. Still, enough to shake me up a
bit. Enough to give them three runs to be up 7-6.
About this time, my pitching coach, Johanna said, “You’re
doing fine, but stop walking the girls.
Stop staring at their asses.”
Mental note - Don’t walk the girls.
It’s like the myth of tipping the bartender. You’re still not going to get to sleep
with them, especially if they’re Irish.
Bottom of the fifth, JJ led us off with a hangover sprint
to beat the throw to first. Betsy
followed with a rip to take JJ to third.
Steve brought JJ home with a single. End of the fifth, we’re back on top at
8-7.
In
true B61 spirit, Coach swapped Amy for Betsy and brought in JJ to replace Alex
in center right field.
The
sixth inning was when the fireworks started. The Park Slope Poor Sports Club was
trash talking and whining about calls, so Coach contested their choice of
“courtesy runner.” When the bench spoke up, Coach did it. He shouldn’t have said it, but he
did. “Why don’t they put in a
runner like you, fat boy?”
Oops. Their bench stood up,
Steve rushed in brandishing a set of brass knuckles, Alex was on the phone to
his boys, and even Amy was ready to jump in. Is this how brawls start? Blue stepped in and threatened to throw
Jamie and Jerky 29 out. (I thought
Steve was the only one who gets thrown out of places?) The rest of the inning was a blur, but I
guess no runs were scored because we were still up 8-7 with 1 inning to go. “If we shut them down here, we’re
done.”
Memorable plays
·
Betsy with stars in her eyes
rounding second and getting tagged out at third. When asked later, she commented, “I’m
sure I heard voices telling to go for third.” Hearing voices? Alex, beware.
·
JJ killing worms with his
relays from the outfield
·
The Park Slope Poor Sports
Club claiming that Steve ran into the third baseman? Huh?
·
Pulling out their big guy
after his single even though he didn’t want to leave.
“C’mon, we’re replacing you with another
runner.”
“I want to run.”
“You’re hurt.
Don’t you remember?”
“I’m FINE. I
want to run.”
“You’re hurt.” <Insert Jedi Mind Trick
here>
“I’m hurt. I
should limp back to the dugout.”
·
“Jack be WHAT? Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.” “Jack, SHUT THE
FUCK UP!”
·
Capone with all those diving
catches and stops on his knees.
Rumor has it he spent so much time on his knees that he made $100 from
the outfielders of the game next to ours
·
Whippet gets honorable mention
for giving me his beer. I needed a
drink during that game.
·
Matt getting a second chance
at life when the third baseman dropped a foul ball
·
Amy’s toss to second for the
imaginary double play
Player of the Game
That
was a close call. I give it to
Steve – batting 3 for 4, with aggressive base running and some key catches in
the outfield.
My Soapbox
At
one point during the game, one of the hecklers came up to me, and asked, “No
hard feelings, right?” When I
replied, “Do I have any choice?” he said, “No, not really.” I realize moral victories have nothing
to do with stats, but those guys were disrespectful. Losers willing to do anything to
win. Rather than cheer for their
team, they cheer against the other team.
What’s that about? Sure, I
wanted to win, especially because they were jerks. Sure, I wanted to pitch at the guy’s
head, but having fun is a much better sport.
Four
things helped me keep my cool during the game-
1)
Reminding myself that these
were assholes who took the game way too seriously
2)
Watching how well our team was
playing
3)
Johanna smiling and slapping
her ass as my catcher
4)
The encouragement of you guys,
even from the dugout and the outfield.
Yes, I could hear you from the mound. That’s the spirit of the
game.